this bird has flown.

you won't find me here very much anymore.
i spoke to the stars and they told me where it's at. twenty million lightyears away, in a sailboat named "Nitsua" that trails lavender streamers and ships children's dreams from east to west.

(everything has been resolved.
i have a boy, and he's the same. we're familiar and we bite eachother.
i have birds and they live on my stomach.
and trees that live in my hair!
and i'm a dragon when i smoke cigarettes.
i'm a fish when i don't.

there's too much busy and not enough not busy. i want more time to do things that don't need doing that don't get me marks that don't need referencing and bibliographies. i'm frustrated with school but things only get better.
i have so many slinkster-cool friends and so much love that i don't think i'll ever be completely lonely.
but sometimes i get smudged. and dusty. and sore.
then i curl my toes and hide in the mud. be one with the dirt.

witch baby.

i've got bruises that are shaped like stars, and stars that are shaped like internal bleeding.
i've got an aneurysm in my pocket, and a doldrum up my sleeve.
and velocity and displacement and distance and time. and gravity.

tell me...
do i tickle your fancy?)

Breathe, breathe in the air.
Don't be afraid to care.
Leave but don't leave me.
Look around and choose your own ground.

(Bryce and i are no longer an item.
it had to happen sooner or later. i've been single for four days now. as sad as i was about it at first, i'm feeling a lot better now. after crying for 3 nights, pretty much non-stop, i took a day off school today. i caught up with my sleeping, relaxed, had a chance to think about stuff.
i have to resist these powerful urges to call him. i saw him yesterday and he was really out of sorts, perhaps even more than i was. he said he couldn't eat and he couldn't sleep, he was chain smoking, and he had to run out of class a couple times so people wouldn't see him crying. we talked about it, and he said, "When I said I didn't love you, I was just confused. What I really meant was that I didn't love myself. I hope you can forgive me."
i couldn't accept his apology. not after all he's put me through. after days of crying. not just after we broke up, but during our relationship, too. he would constantly ignore me when i was depressed.
i told him, "I think... you have to love yourself before you can really love someone else." he said he understood. he has a lot to learn about himself.

and after all the shit he put me through when we were together, i still want to call him and make sure he's okay. but i know that i shouldn't, because if i did, i would just end up crying to him over the phone and that would definitely not make him feel any better. i'll just have to trust that he'll be alright.
i'm not angry with him.
we're on good terms.
it's just hard, going from talking to someone every day for over a year and then ceasing communication entirely.

when i saw him yesterday, we talked about it. when he had to go, i gave him a goodbye hug and pressed myself into his chest extra hard for the last time, hoping i might create some kind of everlasting impression there. i dragged his smell into me and hid it somewhere secret where i can keep it forever. between the shadow and the soul.

i really wish i didn't miss him, but i do.
it's not fair.
but this, too, shall pass.
one year and twelve days.
i'll always have the memories. some good, some bad.

life has been so tumultuous. so many tears as of recently. this is the first day this week that i haven't spent all evening and night crying.
i guess some good things have come of this, too. now that i have more free time, i'm definitely going to spend more time at school improving my art. spend more time with friends, get my community hours done. i have also learned that it is very unhealthy to cry so much. it dehydrates you like astronaut food, then you feel all-around bad, not just sad out of your mind.

i know that something good will come from all this.
and no matter how lonely i am right now, there are more fish in the sea. however, i don't think i would date a fish.)

Long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
And all you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be.

i have a bone to pick with you!
someone has eaten all of my toilet paper! i was saving it for a special occasion!






(summer has tiptoed away on ballet shoes and i'm sad to see her go. two months is never long enough. i wish i could stop the earth from orbiting the sun and just stay right here forever and ever. there's enough bizarre weather phenomenas, why not add another one to the list?
i don't like this time of year. when it gets a little colder every day and you can tell how short the days are getting, and then school sneaks up on you with all these expectations and work and grousing and grumbling. as much as i disagree with all of the previous, i'm kind of looking forward to it.
improving my art, getting involved and outvolved and up and downvolved. i really want to make something of this school year. but it's also the last year i have to goof off before grade 11 when they actually really start caring about your marks and your works.
i will improve my photography and my artwork this year.
that can be my resolution.

i've learned more about myself in the past two months than i've learned throughout the whole school year. i enjoy that fact very much. it would be good accompanied with cookies.

Bryce and i have been going out for over a year now. isn't that the mostest? i'm so surprised that it's lasted this long. a relationship that was built totally off of me putting my hand on his shoulder and no previous attraction. and somehow it's lasted over a year! he was in France for the entire month of August, which was good i guess. our relationship was falling apart somewhat. being away from eachother for so long made us appreciate eachother a lot more. and now, it's just good. not JUST good. just always implies an exception of some kind.
it's good.

last night, for the first time in my life, i slept in a tent outside. and i laughed and i laughed and laughed and drew and wrote and theorized. the whole night it felt like the tent was slowly shimmying down the hill, but it was pegged into the ground quite sufficiently. i also went into a hot tub. a true learning experience all around.

i've always found that one of the best parts of the school year is looking forward to the summer all over again, and the feeling of infiniteness when it finally comes.

i haven't worn socks once this summer.
i bought a new typewriter.
and new shoes (which i'm in the process of painting).

this summer i:
- got a piercing
- got my first sports injuries
- got really sick
- tripped (but didn't fall)
- loved and loved and loved
- was nude infront of all my friends and was completely comfortable
- slept under the stars
- took the train
- bought my first pack of cigarettes
- shaved my legs more than i ever have before
- told secrets and learned secrets
- kissed
- bit
- flowered

there's so much more to go and so much more to see and do. i can't even fit all the possibilities in my head. i'm going to get taller and my hair will grow longer. i'm going to change.
and that's great.

hey, babe. take a walk on the wild side.)

if drugs were instruments:
"are you an addict?"
"no, i'm a musician."




(summer.
it came and it hit me like a sack of cottonballs and i'm not afraid to admit that i liked it. i've been so busy and neglectful of internet-land lately but i have a feeling that it doesn't matter. i'm too caught up with realness and sensations and being and doing. i haven't made any actual finished pieces in a while, but i'll get around to it.

i hope summer never ends. i hope there's a disaster with the solar system and the world stops turning and this season will last forever and ever. so far i've got a piercing, several sunburns, scrapes, bumps, bruises, cuts, bites; i'm doing well. july is like a whoosh! i can't believe it's going by so fast.
but it's not, really.
i want to discover something more amazing than i've ever known before and i think i have to go to another city to find it. it's just a hunch though. don't quote me on it. i've been thinking a lot lately which wouldn't be so bad if i was actually taking the initiative to change the things i want to change about myself. i'm not lazy, just uncertain that i want to disturb the way things are. everything seems fine, but i'm not genuinely happy. it's just an annoying feeling.
that's what growing is.

i'm so glad that grapefruits exist.
and sugar, too. otherwise i would skip breakfast most days, i think.

somehow, after 3 years of being lost in the cosmos, my copy of The Little Prince returned itself to me and i was overjoyed. i've developed some kind of addiction to smelling the pages. i'm going to read it a thousand times. my teeth hurt. i hope they're not going to fall out.
i wonder how much i've grown since last year.
my cells are multiplying right now. are yours?

i love coffee and cigarettes.
i love not being allergic to caffiene anymore. and i love being able to smoke a whole cigarette to myself without falling over. and i love love. and i love everything, pretty much (except cars, gasoline, and a lot of other things). i love you, too.
i want to grow dandelions professionally. do you think they'd let me?
i found 4 dragonfly wings yesterday.

i'm glad to be alive.
living is exhilarating when the air is damp and warm and the sky is clear at night and the hands you hold are squishy and slightly sticky with perspiration and all the goodness that comes with it. like cornbread, or microwaving vaseline.

i sail on pavement. )